


Lost In A Memory

by PhantomWarrior99



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 08:05:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15408633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomWarrior99/pseuds/PhantomWarrior99
Summary: Reality inside the memory unit is complicated, but it’s a place to think. Church only wishes it were about something better than letting go.





	Lost In A Memory

**Prompt:** A.I. by Red

\----------------

**Lost inside a memory**

**Buried deep inside of me**

**Never breaking**

**I'm escaping**

**Lost inside a memory**

**Can't erase the agony**

**Never breaking**

**Overtaking now**

\----------------

 " _Who died?"_

_"Agent Texas."_

_"No! God, no!"_

"Church! Church, wake up!"

Leonard Church is bolt upright, hand gripping the forearm to his left, startling Tucker.

"Dude, are you okay?"

Church relinquishes his vice grip on Tucker's arm and swings his feet onto cold cement, "Yeah, just--just a bad dream." He's scrubbing at the tear streaks down his cheeks.

When had he cried?

"You sure? Cause you were screaming pretty loudly. You scared the shit out of Caboose." Tucker nods towards the door where Caboose had froze, clinging with concerned eyes to the doorframe.

It takes him a moment to process and wipe the beads of sweat from his brow, "Yeah, I'm okay."

"Do you need a hug, Church? Hugs make everything better." Caboose ventures closer, noting the danger has passed.

"No, Caboose, I do not need a hug." Church sits upright more to prove his point.

Caboose ignores his response and yanks Church onto trembling limbs, pulling him into a tight embrace. Inside, Church is smiling, a wave of relief washing over him, chasing away nightmares and agony. Inside he's praying his little brother never lets go because he feels he might drown if he does. Inside he's all right because his brothers are there and nothing can hurt him when they're around. 

Outside, he's grimacing, biting back the gentle smile tugging at the corner of his lips, "Uh, thanks, Caboose." He pats the bigger trooper's shoulder awkwardly until the lumbering giant pulls away with a sleepy grin.

"Goodnight, Church."

Tucker's at his side and takes Caboose by the arm, "Let's get you to bed," his eyes shift back to Church, "I'll be back."

Church nods and waves him off, thoughts drifting back to the memories. It all seems so real, he's nearly forgotten they were in the memory unit. He's nearly forgotten that none of this was a reality and he was biding his time until he could find Allison--no, Tex. He was looking for Tex.

"Church?"

His eyes shift from the floor in front of him to Tucker by the door, "Yeah?"

"You, uh, you wanna talk about that nightmare?"

It's a timid smile, one wary of broaching a potentially dangerous topic. Church returns Tucker's anxious smile with a smirk, "You really want to know what it was about?"

"I have a pretty good idea," Tucker returns, the tension dissipating as he steps further inside the darkened room, "You were screaming her name pretty loud. Bow chicka bow wow."

The smirk falters, "Yeah, well--she's been on my mind a lot lately."

"Didn't you say the two of you were going to get married when you got home?" Tucker sinks into the seat near Church's bed.

A quiet scoff laced with nostalgia, "Yeah, that was the plan." His voice falters, eyes drifting to the dog tags on his bedside dresser.

"You miss her, huh?"

"All the time," Church murmurs, pausing, "wait a minute." He's on his feet, snatching up her tags, "That's it."

"What's it?"

"That's why he couldn't let go."

"That's why who couldn't let go?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but, Tucker, you're a genius."

"Whoa, why is that so hard to believe?"

Church ignores him and begins to pace, pieces of the puzzle falling into place with each step.

"It's her. It's always been her. Every choice, every step of the way, it's all been about her. That's why I'm here, not to hang on to her, but to--"

His feet stop in the middle of the room, his eyes absently lifting from the dog tags and staring in to oblivion, "I have to let her go," he murmurs.

"What the fuck are you rambling on about?" Tucker's standing off to his right, concern etched into his features.

Church meets his gaze, "Tex, she's--this is why I'm here, Tucker."

"How did you get from "I miss her' to 'I have to let her go'? You're not making any sense."

He's staring for a moment, wondering how his friend couldn't have followed his train of thought, "Nevermind, don't worry about it. I know what I need to do."

"Okay," Tucker arches an eyebrow, brows knit together as he struggles to decipher what it is his friend is saying.

"Thanks for the chat," Church returns, "I owe you one, buddy."

Tucker watches Church fiddle with Tex's dog tags, fingers brushing over the engraving. He watches as his brother's expression softens and a gentle smile tugs the corner of his lips upward.

When he looks up, it's as if a different person stands before him. There's no tension in his shoulders, no scowl to be found in his features, no exhaustion in his emerald eyes--just content resignation.

"You sure you're okay, Church?" Tucker tilts his head to the side in confusion.

"Yeah, never better." The grip around his last anchor tightens before he moves back towards his bed.

"Right," Tucker's confused, but unwilling to argue with the eerily calm sim trooper perched on the edge of his bed, "well, if you're fine, I'm going back to bed. It's  _way_  too early in the morning for this bullshit."

"Yeah, okay," Church doesn't look up, "'night."

"Goodnight, Church." The door slides shut after Tucker and Church is left alone in a darkened room, the bedside lamp serves as the only source of light, casting a dim glow across the room. Shadows dance and memories cry, but he's not sure of any of it. There's a choice to be made, but he's not sure he's strong enough.

He gingerly rolls the dog tags between his fingers, skin grazing metal, committing every inch to memory.

"I finally know what I have to do, Tex." It's a whisper of a confession, "He never found a way to bring you back, and he drove himself to the brink of insanity chasing it. I have to try to do what he couldn't." His smile is tender, nostalgic, almost remorseful as he clutches the tags close to his chest and settles back onto his pillow.

"If I do this, you'll finally get to rest--something neither one of us has gotten to experience in a long time. When I finally find you, I'll want to tell you that I love you, Tex, but that's not what I get to tell you. I have to tell you that I'm letting you go."

Tears slip down stubble and pain, metal pressing so close to his chest, he's certain there will be an imprint. He's crumbling, falling apart piece by agonizing piece. She's always been his strength, the part of him that's kept him alive, kept him breathing all these years.

The time has come for Allison 'Texas' Church to rest, and he won't make the same mistake as the Director.

That doesn't mean he has to like the burning pit in his stomach, the heavy weight in his chest, the sudden realization that he's losing his whole world and he doesn't know what he's going to do.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep going without you."

She'd slap him if she were there, remind him to stand on his own two feet. The thought itself is a comfort, but one that isn't strong enough to keep the grief at bay.

He'll let her go, but with her goes a part of him. It's the price he pays for closure. The price he wishes he didn't have to pay.

"Goodbye, Allison."

\------------------

**Author's Note:**

> Hey folks!  
> I hope you enjoyed my Church drabble, feel free to leave kudo/comment and let me know what you thought!  
> ~ Phantom


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